Two Years Ago…
Two Years Ago…
Okay, so I have been having a REAL HARD time trying to write out my thoughts. Have you ever felt that way? You sit in front of the computer excited to write something, but then get writer’s block? That’s how I am feeling right now.
People often say to just start writing! Don’t worry about getting the perfect content out or saying all the right things. Just write. I’m going to do just that, but refer back to something deeply personal that I experienced a couple of years ago. I thought it would be a great place to start.
Around this time in 2020, I was seeing a man I was very well acquainted with. At the same time, he was seeing another woman behind my back, but wining and dining me. What’s the big deal? Well, as a trauma survivor, not only did I experience some military sexual trauma, but some childhood trauma as well.
I never had a boyfriend in high school. Never dated or had a relationship in the military. I was sexually assaulted and taken advantage of, but never had the chance to develop a relationship with a man and be in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.
Back to the guy — he pursued after me in the process of a divorce. He was very determined and charming. We had a history together being part of a military community so my familiarity with him made me feel safe. We hit it off so well. We were in a long distance relationship. I warned him that I lived long distance, but he wanted to pursue me so we agreed to see each other.
What I thought was a budding relationship ended up as a rebound. It utterly and completely devastated me, leading me to suicidal ideation.
During this three month stint, the most terrible part of it the situation was that — on the day he drove me to the airport and told me he loved me— it was also the day that she — the other woman — posted “in a relationship” with him on Facebook, (which I had found out a couple of weeks later.)
It didn’t FINALLY hit me two weeks later when I put two-and-two together. (Duh, Madge *eye roll*). Once I did, I was “triggered.” It was a very deep kind of betrayal. As a result, my body immediately went into severe anxiety attacks and hyper vigilance.
For three full excruciating days, I couldn’t get my body to calm down or stop shaking. I couldn’t sleep, even if I tried taking a sleeping pill. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t focus. I didn’t know what to do. I had never had an anxiety attack this bad.
I would stay up all hours praying and listening to Christian music trying to calm myself and tell myself it will be okay. Luckily, I had friends that I could trust and reach out to in the wee hours of the morning for support to help me get through the excruciating minutes of each day. I mean, utterly excruciating!!
Have you ever tried counting down the minutes to pass the time while waiting for something important? When time seems to be standing still, it feels like FOREVER before the next minute passes, doesn't it?
I was at such a low point in my life that there was a cloud of darkness that shrouded me so heavily. I couldn’t think about anything, but this darkness that surrounded me. My mind and my heart wouldn’t stop racing.
It was so unbearable. I did the only thing I could do at this point. I ended up reaching out to the Suicide Hotline because I was afraid of slipping down into that deep, dark black hole. The guy on the other side of the phone line was able to help me get out of my head, which is the point. To get you to redirect your focus.
That incident kickstarted my mental health journey into full gear. I went through a 12-step Cognitive Processing Therapy session pre-Covid. When the Covid pandemic began, the two-month stay-at-home order was affecting my mental health. Can you relate?
oh, hey — next post, I might just add lessons learned regarding this relationship experience. Care for me to elaborate?
Anyway, back to what I was saying — I can be an introvert, but I am also an extrovert. I love my alone time, but I am also a social butterfly. Being mandated to stay at home was not helping the fact that I was struggling with Post-Traumatic Stress, settling into a new place, a new job and a new State after moving from California, and mentally and emotionally struggling with the fact that leaving my job involuntarily that I so desperately wanted to remain in, but it would not be so, unfortunately.
A little background on that part of leaving my old job — I found out on my last day that someone from up top in the management was keeping me from moving forward, but no one was going to tell me. Talk about soul crushing.
Has anyone ever took the rug from under your feet in a situation and it knocked the wind out of you? It felt like that to me. How can people be so cruel as to keep you from moving forward in your life? I was just going to hang around in limbo forever if I didn’t make the decision to leave after feeling sorely unhappy.
Have you ever felt so down and out to the point where you were in a pit of utter despair? I was struggling all over the place — mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically dealing with PTSD, anxiety and depression. I was stuck in a dead end job and I didn't even know it. In addition, the high cost of living in California was like a big tidal wave getting ready to crash on to shore and drag me under its current into the deep.
Eventually, I made the decision to leave everything I knew behind me and I took a new part-time job opportunity to put my mental health and self-care as a priority, moving from the West Coast to the Midwest and start my life over. Here I am going on three years here and I am just now beginning to feel settled and content.
Well, until Covid happened. That was a crazy period.
The Covid pandemic sure didn't help any when I was working hard to manage PTSD. Thankfully, an opportunity to waitress opened the door of opportunity for me to get out. I have been juggling two part-time jobs since the stay-at-home order began to now as I write this post.
So, here we are at the end of 2022 getting ready for 2023 and I must say — I would never in my life have imagined such a major ordeal that globally impacted the world since the AIDS pandemic broke out in the 1980's.
What a whirlwind of a ride, huh? It’s nice to feel somewhat normal as we have slowly gone back to the hustle and bustle grind of the day-to-day. It’s good to know that there is a vaccine for Covid called Paxlovid, but at the same time good to err on the side of caution around this time of year.
My Cousins caught Covid and have to quarantine for ten days. There goes my Christmas break. Oh well. Glad to take the time off and be at home enjoying the simplicity of having a stable place to live and be at peace.
Ah, peace — a most beautiful, treasured value that one can so easily displace.I treasure it so. This is truly one of my favorite times of year — a season of glad tidings. Of good cheer, warmth and joyous occasion. Glad to be here in the stillness of solitude and precious peace.
This classic Christmas carol comes to mind as I near the end of this writing. I’m sure you’re all too familiar with this jingle.
If not, please feel free to read the lyrics, select the hyperlinked word, “Jingle”to hear this common Christmas tune, and/or create your own tune or glaze over these words to the end. Whatever floats your boat. No offense taken. Just want to share what comes to mind.
Peace on earth and mercy mild,
God and sinners reconciled!
Joyful, all ye nations, rise;
Join the triumph of the skies;
With th’angelic host proclaim
Christ is born in Bethlehem!
Hail the heav’n-born Prince of Peace!
Hail the Son of Righteousness!
Light and life to all he brings,
Ris’n with healing in his wings.
Mild he lays his glory by,
Born that man no more may die;
Born to raise the sons of earth,
Born to give them second birth.
With that being said, may peace be your gift at Christmas. Wishing you and yours a very Merry Christmas and a joyous Happy New Year.
Xoxo.
Comments
Post a Comment