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Heartbroken. Now What?

 

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HEALTH DISCLAIMER: this article blog contains resources and advice that are of my own opinion. The content is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your mental health professional or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition. Never disregard professional advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read here.

CONTENT DISCLAIMER: this article blog contains or discusses words or language that are considered profane, vulgar, or offensive by some readers. It may contain audio, visual, or written representations of people or events which may be protected by some cultures. May contain triggers for people with post-traumatic stress disorder. There may be medical, legal, or other information that is normally also the subject of professional opinions; this blog is not a substitute for seeking the help of a professional.

This article is geared towards women who are experiencing heartbreak. If you are a man currently experiencing heartbreak, I cannot speak for you, but I hope you heal. May you find some source of comfort in here if you read this.

“Writing gives me a reprieve from the darkness of life.” — John Mulligan

I’ve been wrapped up in sadness over the past two days. The man I was seeing for the past five months finally called it off. It was Thursday when he texted me and told me we were not compatible as a couple and that he is not looking for a relationship. Ouch. After five months, he tells me that.

I brought out a bottle of bourbon that he bought from a bourbon tour we went on during our New Year’s weekend. I began writing this blog in my pain, numbing my emotions to help me cope. If you have ever suffered from a broken heart, rejection and disappointment, I’m sure you can relate.

In an attempt to therapy myself through it, I am writing it out as I have learned writing is a form of therapy for me. Journaling as well.

Writing about stressful events can be powerfully therapeutic for body and mind. Numerous studies have found that prolonged emotional stress can weaken the immune system, promote heart disease, and worsen the course of arthritis, asthma, and many other diseases (Woolston, 2000).

Even though I’ve been writing about this, I’ve been struggling through it, honestly. The other night, the thought entered my head: “I want to die.” Did I act on it? No, I’m still here.

I stopped in to see my counselor yesterday afternoon and had a discussion with her about what happened. She was sorry to hear the news. Yeah, me too.

I have told a few friends, but I’m reluctant to bring it up anymore because though family and friends mean well, they say the most stupidest things that DON’T help. For example, “Oh, God will bring someone better into your life.” Or, “Love will come when you least expect it.”

You know what? I least expected each encounter I’ve had over the past four years with four different men who broke my heart. I don’t want to hear that shit no more.

What I can tell you is the things that I am trying that might be helpful for you as well. Things that are distracting so I do not act upon the thought in my head how much easier to die than to live because let’s face it, life is fucking hard and the pain that comes with heartbreak is hard to process. This isn’t my first fucked up merry go-round. And, frankly, I’m sick of it.

If you want to know how to get over a broken heart, in the struggle through your aloneness, it’s gonna be fucking hard. I ain’t going to lie. I am hella struggling right now. But, I am trying my darndest to move on. My counselor stated there is a grieving process you must go through. She recommended a few books for me to read to help me process these emotions and the things I am currently stumbling through. Of which, I shall recommend:

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                                                            Photo by Shiromani Kant on Unsplash

So, in my terrible attempt at a relationship, here is what I am learning that might help you, too.


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Lesson #1 — Don’t rush into anything.

I made that mistake. I rushed into it all because I was trying to detox from a previous toxic relationship when I shoud have taken my time to get to know him. Take my time to be intimate with the new guy. He came along at the right time when I was trying to detox from a previous unhealthy relationship.

One day, I told him, “I’d like to have a relationship with you.” He said, “Okay, let’s see where it goes.” So I said, “Okay. Sounds good.” No expectations, just go with the flow….but, maybe I did have them.

What started out so well has finally fizzled out after five months trying to long-distance it. He lived and worked in another State. We would make arrangements to see each other and because we both enjoy traveling, it was doable.

Well, he ended it Thursday stating that we were not compatible and that he is not looking for a relationship (with me, I gathered). When I began writing this, I was drowning in a bottle of bourbon so that I can type and function and hopefully maybe process my emotions better, but seeing that my personal life is a piece of 💩, I don’t have much luck when it comes to love. And, well that’s how I cope. With alcohol.

One of my Cousins tells me I share too much. I need to be wise and discerning. Shit, now I know. Lesson learned.

About me — well, I’m an open book. What do you want to know? I can tell you a story. Maybe I scared him away. I probably did. I thought we were budding into a relationship. Well, I was so wrong.

I should have seen the signs before, but if you pay attention, you might pick up on it earlier.

Lesson #2 — when he says things that might not sit well with you. Red Flag.

For example, “You’re weird.” That’s what he said one day. I laughed it off but it kinda struck a nerve. Gangsta me coming out: MoFo, do you know the ‘eff what hell I’ve been through? I’m living my life to enjoy every moment, so if I seem to be a lil’ “cray, cray,” (slang for crazy, but fun in my terms) I have a reason to. I’m just here to have a good time and to enjoy my life to the fullest. Life is fucking fucked up sometimes. And it’s short. Tomorrow is not promised. Don’t waste it.

Lesson #3 — don’t give up your goodies too soon.

Gangsta me: That MoFo gotta earn it, ya hear me? Don’t be too hasty to sleep with the man. He has to earn his keep. Know what I mean? Warren G. couldn’t have rapped that lyrical part better.

I mean, my stupid a$$ should have known better, but I was so elated that we hit it off so well. We would talk for hours. We adjusted our schedules to spend time with each other. Things looked promising.

As a woman, we are emotional beings. When we get intimate with someone, for the majority of us who are loving and sensitive, we tend to open up. Especially, when I feel safe and vulnerable. I must have been too transparent, but after five months together, wouldn’t you accept all or nothing? In this case, he was like, “I’m not looking for a relationship. Sorry to drop this all on you like this, but I thought that it would be better to be forthcoming.”

Okay, sure. Thanks for telling me five months later. Now I’m fucked up. My emotions are all wrapped up in what could have been. But you know what? I was doing very well without you before. If you can’t handle all of me, then you don’t deserve me!


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Girl friend, adjust that crown on your head, put on your best dress, get some makeup on and go strut your confident self out there like a QUEEN!! You are a QUEEN. Don’t let a man who doesn’t see your value make you think otherwise. (I’m preaching to myself, too).

Lesson #4— if a man can’t handle the worst part of you, he doesn’t deserve the best part of you. Period.

I recommend — not to accept just any man who pays attention to you at first. It’s flattering to feel that a man is interested in you. But you know with every budding relationship there is a honey moon phase. Once it ends, reality sets in. If he can’t accept ALL of you — flaws and all, then he does NOT deserve you. You are a gem that he cannot afford. Your price is far above rubies. If he can’t see that, then he is not worthy of you.

You know that part in a marriage vow when the wedding officiant says, “for better or for worse”? Yeah, most people don’t take it seriously, however. I mean, look at my parents. They divorced when I was 10. What a great picture to paint for a young child.

I wasn’t nearly at that stage with this guy, but I’ve always wanted to be.

Now, I am finding that marriage isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. Same goes for relationships. I see my married friends and they seem to be pretty happy. But what do I know? I only know from what I can see. My counselor shared that marriage is hard. Even her marriage isn’t as good as she wished it was. She shared that the majority of people stay married for comfort, but they’re not entirely happy. Those marriages that are really happy — they’re rare, she said.

I’ve always wanted to get married. For someone like myself with a crappy past of childhood trauma, military sexual trauma and a “single, never married” status for all my life, never been in an actual relationship where two people agree to be in a relationship together — I have accepted that I probably am not meant to be married. And I am OKAY with that. I have experienced enough 💩 to last a lifetime.

This is the part where I have reasoned, I don’t want people to speak into my life anymore that love will come find me when I least expect it. First of all, that’s bullshit. Second, my heart is done. I no longer want to get married nor pursue a relationship, which brings me to my next lesson.

Lesson #5 — Enjoy Your Singlehood. Embrace Self-Love. Love Yourself Enough To Be Okay With Being Alone.

Honestly, I have no problem being alone. I have no problem being single. Like I mentioned before, “single, never married” has always been my status, but I’m okay with that. I’ve always been independent. A little too independent and strong. Only because people will let you down, and well, my parents did not paint a pretty picture for me so you learn to just do everything on your own, unless you have a great group of family and friends whom you can rely on. It has been both a hit and miss for me, but overall, as I had found out in 2020, the amount of love and support from family and friends really brought me through one of the darkest times in my life.

I have a lot of family and friends who love and appreciate me. Heck, everyone that I work with at my day job LOVES me! My restaurant family LOVES me! My customers LOVES me! They come in looking for me when they dine and I apologize that I can’t work there as often as I’d like, but they want to see me when they come in because they love my service.

I love people. I love what I do. I enjoy serving others. It makes me happy. Which, reminds me — if you’re currently experiencing heartbreak, best thing to do is to surround yourself with some good friends and go out and do things, as my counselor advised.

I am doing just that — I’m collaborating with people to work on my dreams and goals of Entrepreneurship. I’m involved in a veterans book project to share my story that other struggling veterans can take away from my experience. I’m trying to focus on the good things that are happening in my life.

Then she handed me the book along with a couple of others that I mentioned earlier, “101 Distractions From Depression, Self-Harm (And Other Soul-Destroyers) by Sophia Gill. Some of the recommendations from the book seek to “bring practical solutions that will help transport you to a different headspace.”


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For example, page 24, the author provides a Quick Tip:

“As you begin to recognize your soul destroyer, you will find that there are certain signs that can warn you it is creeping up on you. It took a while to clearly define my own, but when I began to write them down, I found that I was much better at deciding when help was needed. As an example, I knew that when I started texting with very short but meaningful words, it was a sign that I was beginning to slip. So too was depression consuming me when I was listening to certain music, slept all day without being ill, and didn’t eat despite being hungry.” (Gill, 2011)

Allow me to interject here. I know all too well this habit. I’ve done so many times. Can you relate? Time to change it up. Back to the author’s Quick Tip.

“Your signs might be variants or mine, or they can be completely different. Recognizing and putting these signs in a list is the first step to controlling your negative feelings, and understanding means that they cannot spiral out of control or attack without warning.” (Gill, 2011)

“One of my favorites is to write in one column the things that you think are good about yourself or situations, and then a list of the bad in another. You could even create a third column for your future hopes and dreams. The idea here isn’t to nitpick, but to try and give you a better perspective. When you are feeling bad; take out the list and remind yourself of the good. When you are having a strong day, perhaps you can try to tackle one of the things in the bad column. You may even change your mind about their existence, or find a way to deal with some of the problems constructively.” (Gill, 2011)

 

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Here are some ideas:

Make a list of the things that you would say to the ‘depressed you.’ Do you notice that your perspective on things change depending on your mood? Which ‘voice’ should you listen to? (Gill, 2011)

Save yourself hours of traipsing through shops not knowing what to buy, by making a list of Christmas and/or birthday presents that you’d like to get friends and family. This simple act can save time, money, and many frustrated hours — especially if you then cross items off the list by shopping online. The internet — eh, isn’t it wonderful? (Gill, 2011)

Shopping lists always helps us to steer our supermarket trolleys on track, and avoids filling them with junk food, and special offers we don’t need. Next time you popout for groceries, remember to make a list first. (Gill, 2011)

Me: but I really need some chocolate right now so I’m gonna do myself a favor and buy some chocolate to go with my red wine! No exception. It’s an emergency.

Moving on, the author goes on to state making a list the same way regarding music and movies and everything else you might collect, concluding that:

“Whatever you make a list of, never be afraid to cross things off it, add more, or completely start again. You are, of course, allowed to change your mind, so remember to allow yourself that freedom — especially if it means taking things out of the ‘bad’ column and adding new things to the ‘good’ one. My list of how I see myself is very different today from when I was really suffering with depression, and it is being able to reflect back that helped me to see that things were changing. Again, depression feels endless and without resolution, so having these lists can also be very helpful throughout your journey because they can act as points of reference during moments when everything seems blurry.” (Gill, 2011)

That is where I am right now. Everything feels blurry. Hazy. Kinda stuck at the moment about how to process this pain despite my attempts to get over it, though this book is starting to become useful as I have shared bits of it. The author recommends so many things in this book and how to use it for your benefit.

Page 3:

“I believe that there are often times when an idea might sound pointless in principle, but as you explore it futher the benefits fade into view. Each of these chapters is your fast-track ticket to help you understand why simple actions can help you cope: giving you an easy way to pick out which ideas might work for you.” (Gill, 2011)

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Distractions can be good for all of us, yet sometimes it can be almost impossible to think of even one thing to do on those days when we feel simply awful.” (Gill, 2011)

Speaking of feeling awful. I agree, it’s so hard to think of things to do when all you feel like doing is staying in bed and sleeping the day away or not doing anything productive at all.

I was feeling pretty happy before Thursday. Now I am going through the natural state of grieving a heart break. I’m mad, I’m sad. It hella sucks to be hurting right now, but I’m listening to TED talks and other messages on YouTube about getting over a heartbreak. I’m sleeping to binary brain waves music and sleep meditations on YouTube to help me sleep.


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I haven’t been able to take the medication that my doctor prescribed at the moment (Hydroxocine — it contains a histamine which this medication is good for anxiety) because I have an allergy test to take next week so I’m finding other ways to help me sleep. I’m not sleeping well. My sleep is broken, but the sleep meditations I am finding on YouTube can help me sleep for a few hours at a time, depending on what it is and how long it is. If you do a search on YouTube for “Healing after a breakup,” you can find some good things, both Christian and non-Christian, other spiritual messages, hypnosis and sleep meditations. It might help.

Reading the comments from some of these videos helped ease the fact that I’m not alone in this and other people are struggling as well. Other comments offer a message of comfort and hope. If I don’t listen to the YouTube video for long, I’ll just read the comments and find solace there.


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I found some podcasts on heartbreak that were helpful as well. Some messages don’t apply, but there are a variety of podcasts on the subject of heartbreak that might be useful depending on what you’re looking for.

One podcast I recommend that I started listening to is, “Heal Your Heartbreak with your breakup bestie.”

“A weekly podcast where each week the host walks you through a topic as it relates to healing your heartbreak and helping you move through your breakup. Topics include breaking up, healing, dating, and moving into happier and healthier relationships. The goal of this show is to provide hope, support, tips, and to remind you that you’re not alone and don’t have to go through this alone.”

These are the things I am finding to help me move on as terrible as it may be. As my counselor said yesterday, “It will take time to process. Your body must go through the grieving process of loss.”

The Breakup Bestie Podcast hosts always ends her podcast by saying, “Be nice to yourself. Stay connected with your loved ones. And remember, this too, shall pass.”

 

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It’s easier said than done to move on. But, like the author Sophia Gill recommends, “write a list of good things about yourself.” My friends often compliment me on how amazing I am. How beautiful I am. How sweet and loving I am. Why not take some time to tell yourself that as well? Just because that one man didn’t see you as this amazing person you are, it is not the end all be all of your life. I’m telling this to myself despite the cycle of disappointment of my life because I know who I am. Who are you?

If you can answer that and make a list of all the amazing things that make you who you are, it will help you remind yourself of the good, not the bad.

I hear my friend Ryan’s loving comments in my head, “Never forget you are amazing, beautiful, funny, caring, smart and a whole lotta sexy all in one soul.” He told me that the other day. It warmed my heart.

Reminded me there are good men in my life that love and appreciate me. Even though it may not be intimately, it helps me to see that there are good men out there. Which brings me to this — if you are a woman reading this blog and you are currently experiencing what I am experiencing, you deserve a man who will go through hell and high water for you. You are a prize worth fetching in all hellishness.

Sorry, I can’t speak for men, but if you’re a man who is broken hearted, I hope your heart heals as well and that you find something useful here to help you.

Recognize your worth. Going back to Sophia’s recommendation in her book, what does that list of good qualities say about you?


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To the broken hearted woman reading this, if a man doesn’t want to fish in for the prize, he ain’t the one. It sucks to hear this, but you must move on. I know it becuase it sucks for me to hear it and accept it. As others have said to me, the man who wants ALL of you will invest in you and want to be in your life.

What if he doesn’t? Well, don’t let it be the focus of your life. There is so much more to life than relationship. Society has impounded our minds with sex, love, and relationship goals.

My challenge is — What’s so wrong with being single?

Honestly, it’s the best place to be in. You can do whatever you want, whenever you want. You have freedom to choose and live your life in a way most people who are married or in long-term relationships aren’t able to.

Unfortunately, I also attract toxic people as I’ve come to find.

I’m learning…I’m learning from the mistakes made because of these toxic experiences. I am learning to love myself more. To be okay with being alone. I am working on healing the wounds that keep me bound, stuck and attract toxic or broken people in my life. You are what you attract, so the saying goes. I’m a work in-progress as healing is a process.

It’s definitely not a walk in the park to go through a process of healing. To understand yourself, know who you are and your identity and becoming the best you that you can be.

“Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.” — Aristotle.

Why Did Aristotle Say That? → https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/why-aristotle-said-knowing-yourself-beginning-all-wisdom-oppong

To further understand this season of your life (and mine), may I recommend the following articles?

Living Single:

Law of Attraction:

Take this time to work on yourself and be the best you that you can be. Happiness starts with you.

Work on Yourself:

There are so many resources out there. Now, go do you. Go live your BEST LIFE!

I am doing just that.


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Resources:

Writing Therapy: How to Write and Journal Therapeutically. https://positivepsychology.com/writing-therapy/

If you are in crisis or you think you may have an emergency, call your doctor or 911 immediately. If you’re having suicidal thoughts, call 1–800–273-TALK (8255) to talk to a skilled, trained counselor at a crisis center in your area at any time (National Suicide Prevention Lifeline).

If you are located outside the United States, call your local emergency line immediately. https://blog.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines/

Text HOME to 741741 from anywhere in the United States, anytime. Crisis Text Line is here for any crisis. A live, trained Crisis Counselor receives the text and responds, all from our secure online platform. The volunteer Crisis Counselor will help you move from a hot moment to a cool moment. https://www.crisistextline.org/

Find A Helpline | Free emotional support in 130+ countries

Key Partners If you are struggling today, need support with your mental health, or have experienced a traumatic event…

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https://faq.whatsapp.com/1417269125743673

References:

Gill, S. (2011). Book: 101 Distractions From Depression, Self-Harm (And Other Soul-Destroyers).

Woolston, C. (2000). Writing for Therapy Helps Erase Effects of Trauma. CNN Healtheon/WebMD. Retrieved March 25, 2023. http://archives.cnn.com/2000/HEALTH/03/16/health.writing.wmd/

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