I Lost My Ability to Write After a Major Life Transition. Here’s How AI Helped Me Reclaim It
I remember when writing used to come easily.
In college, I spent hours researching accredited sources, gathering knowledge, and weaving my thoughts into essays that were not just passable but meaningful. As a child of the ’80s, I have fond memories of flipping through dictionaries and thesauruses, spending hours in libraries, and meticulously cataloging information. Writing was second nature to me.
During my time in the Air Force, structured communication was a necessity. The Tongue & Quill was our guide, ensuring that every memorandum, email, and report was precise, professional, and effective. As an Executive Secretary, my writing was sharp, my thoughts clear, and my ability to articulate my ideas effortless.
Then the psychological break happened.
But, before I go into that, allow me to step back into one of my most cherished childhood past times.
A Childhood Built on Words & Imagination
Long before I ever stepped foot in the military, before I learned the intricacies of professional communication, before I ever picked up The Tongue & Quill — I was a reader.
I was that kid who devoured books, who lived in the worlds created by Nancy Drew, Judy Blume, the Berenstain Bears, Mr. Men and Little Miss books, Dr. Seuss, Choose Your Own Adventure series, and Little Critter stories. I treasured my Golden Books and would pore over them for hours.
Reading was celebrated when I was growing up. We had Scholastic book fairsand catalogs that felt like Christmas morning. I remember begging my parents to let me order books, circling my favorites with excitement. Reading Rainbow was a staple on television, and the library was filled with posters of celebrities encouraging kids to read. It wasn’t just a pastime — it was a way of life.
A Book That Stayed With Me: Only Friends by Betsy Harris
Of all the books I read growing up, one that still holds a special place in my heart is Only Friends from the Hampstead High series by Betsy Harris.
The story was beautifully simple — two friends navigating high school, teenage crushes, and all the innocent presumptions that come with young love.
I had never experienced it myself, but I lived vicariously through Beth’s character — feeling her emotions, seeing the world through her eyes, and getting swept up in the gentle romance.
What I loved most about this book was that it was pure, heartfelt, and wholesome.
- No excessive drama.
- No cursing.
- No craziness.
- No forced agendas.
Just a simple, sweet, and genuine story that created that “ahh” feeling in every young girl. It was the kind of book that made you believe in the magic of friendship, love, and growing up.
But what makes Only Friends even more special to me is where it came from — one of my favorite Scholastic and Troll book fairs.
There was something magical about those book fairs.
- The colorful displays.
- The feeling of holding crisp new books in your hands.
- Circling your favorite books in the catalog, hoping your parents would let you order them.
When I picked up Only Friends, I didn’t know it would become one of my favorite stories. But all these years later, I still remember it fondly, proving just how much books shape us in ways we don’t always realize at the time.
Growing Up with Books: My Love for Stories Evolved
As I got older, my reading tastes expanded and deepened.
I moved on to books by Francine Pascal, famous for the Sweet Valley Highseries, and Ann M. Martin’s The Babysitters Club — both of which captured the ups and downs of teenage life, friendships, and personal growth.
But I also had a darker, more mysterious side to my reading habits.
That’s where R.L. Stine’s Fear Street series came in — his teenage mystery murder stories were thrilling, and suspenseful, and kept me hooked with their eerie twists and unpredictable endings. They weren’t just ghost stories — they were my first taste of suspense and the art of keeping readers on edge.
Books weren’t just entertainment.
They were my escape. The places I could visit when the real world felt too overwhelming.
They were my education. Teaching me about friendships, emotions, and how people think and feel.
They were my joy. A never-ending adventure, where I could lose myself in words and stories for hours.
And perhaps, without even realizing it at the time, they were shaping me into a writer.
My Love for Nancy Drew: The Original Girl Detective
Long before strong female protagonists were a trend, Nancy Drew was leading the way.
I loved her. She was brilliant, fearless, independent, and always solving mysteries with intelligence and grace. Unlike many books at the time, Nancy wasn’t waiting to be saved — she was the one solving the case, connecting the clues, and outsmarting the bad guys.
Nancy Drew books taught me to think critically, to look for hidden details, and to embrace curiosity. They made me feel like I could be just as smart, just as capable, and just as adventurous.
And I wasn’t alone — Nancy Drew inspired generations of young girls like me to be bold, to seek the truth, and to never be afraid of a little mystery.
Books weren’t just entertainment.
They were my escape. The places I could visit when the real world felt too overwhelming. Or my family felt too dysfunctional.
They were my education. Teaching me about friendships, emotions, and how people think and feel.
They were my joy. A never-ending adventure, where I could lose myself in words and stories for hours.
And perhaps, without even realizing it at the time, they were shaping me into a writer.
But my love for words didn’t stop at reading — I wanted to master them.
The Speak & Spell: My First Writing Tool
One of my favorite childhood toys was my Speak & Spell — that little red electronic gadget that spoke words and challenged me to spell them correctly. It felt like a game, but really, it was one of the first ways I learned how words were structured, how they sounded, and how they were meant to be used.
I would spend hours playing with it, testing myself, pushing myself to learn more. It wasn’t just a toy — it was my first introduction to the beauty of language. Those and other nostaligic toys of my era were the beginning of my learning abilities.
The Thrill of the Spelling Bee
I loved Spelling Bees.
I prided myself on learning new words, studying their meanings, practicing their pronunciation. The excitement of standing on stage, spelling out words letter by letter, knowing that each correct answer brought me closer to victory — it was exhilarating.
Spelling wasn’t just about memorization; it was about understanding language, appreciating its structure, and embracing the power of words.
I was a proud word nerd, fascinated by stories and the endless possibilities they held. I didn’t just love books — I absorbed them. I was constantly learning, constantly growing, constantly discovering new ideas.
So, it’s no surprise that when I got older, writing became just as natural to me as reading was or has. This love for words naturally carried over into my school years, shaping the way I engaged with reading, writing, and learning.
From Passion to Practice: My High School Years
My strong passion for words led me to love one of my favorite subjects in high school — English. I thrived on creative writing projects, analyzing Shakespeare, and breaking down grammar rules to understand how language shapes the way we express ourselves.
I spent hours writing. Poems, fifth-period journaling, essays, and research papers for history, biology, and world events. Back when students actually carried mountains of books to class, flipping through endless pages of reading material, I embraced every moment of it.
One of my favorite periods was homeroom — where for 40 minutes, we had to be completely quiet and write reflective papers or essays before moving to our next class. That time of stillness, putting pen to paper, was something I genuinely enjoyed.
But as life moved forward, adulting, trauma, and survival mode buried those memories under the weight of responsibility. I forgot about the writer I had been until Christmas of 2023. I had written about the loss of my second childhood home in this blog.
It’s no wonder that my love for reading and writing naturally evolved into a lifelong skill.
Unlocking a Treasure Box of My Past
When I went home for Christmas in 2023, it wasn’t under the best circumstances. My mom was foreclosing on our home, and as I helped sort through belongings, she handed me a backpack and a box of stuff.
I wasn’t sure what I would find — but when I opened it, it was like unlocking a time capsule.
Inside were mountains and mountains of paperwork from high school — assignments, writing projects, homework, reading materials. Pages and pages of words I had written at 14 or 15 years old, things I had completely forgotten about.
As I flipped through them, memories of my younger self came rushing back.
I found short stories, poems, and even letters to Michael Jackson (which I had completely forgotten I wrote!). It was like rediscovering a part of me that had been lost in the chaos of life.
Of course, some things had to go — like long division assignments (which I don’t even remember how to do anymore, haha!). But I boxed up the meaningful pieces and brought them with me. Today, they serve as a reminder that writing has always been part of my DNA.
How My Love for Words Shaped My Future
That childhood passion for books and high school reading and writing assignments naturally evolved into a love for writing. Looking back, I realize my love for words was preparing me for something bigger. I didn’t know it then, but the discipline I learned from reading, spelling, and journaling would shape my future in ways I never expected.
When I joined the Air Force, I found myself immersed in a culture that valued communication. I was trained to write professionally, concisely, and with precision. My childhood love for words combined with 17 years of structured, disciplined writing in the military and federal service.
It was my foundation.
But when I hit my breaking point— I lost my ability to write freely. And that loss cut deep, because words had always been a part of me.
That’s why AI has been a lifeline. It’s not about replacing my creativity — it’s about helping me reclaim the love for words that started when I was just a little girl, sitting in my room, lost in the pages of a book or an assignment I was writing or working on in class.
The Psychological Break That Changed Everything
Transitioning out of the military isn’t just a career change — it’s an identity shift.
From the time I left for technical training in April 2002 until I departed my Executive Secretary job and the base in January 2019, my entire professional world revolved around structured, precise, technical communication.
- Enlisted Air Force — Memorandums, reports, and structured writing were part of daily life. The Tongue & Quill was our holy grail.
- Defense Contracting— Working in technical communications meant adapting military-grade communication for defense applications.
- DoD Air Force Civilian — Writing, technical documentation, and correspondence remained a core part of my job.
- College— Research papers, essays, and academic writing reinforced my communication skills.
- Military Professional Development — Career Development Courses, self-improvement, and leadership training were constantly demanded and encouraged.
For 17 years, writing wasn’t just a skill — it was a way of life. The Air Force culture fosters education, critical thinking, and clear communication. Whether through formal schooling, professional development, or leadership training, I was constantly sharpening my ability to express myself.
Then, suddenly, that structured environment was gone.
Blindsided by Transition
Leaving that behind in 2019 left me blindsided. I had spent my entire career communicating in a highly disciplined, structured, and professional way. I wasn’t just “good at writing” — I was trained to think, process, and convey information at a high level.
But the combination of career loss, relocation, trauma, PTSD, Depression, and mental exhaustion created a psychological break. My ability to write, to articulate my thoughts clearly, started slipping.
I didn’t just lose a job — I lost a deeply ingrained part of my identity.
This is why AI has become such an important tool.
It wasn’t replacing my writing ability — it has helped me reclaim it. It allows me to process my thoughts, structure my ideas, and communicate how I had been trained for nearly two decades.
AI: A Tool for Rebuilding, Not Replacing
When I first started using AI, I hesitated. I wondered, Am I cheating? Does this mean I’m not a “real” writer anymore?
But then I realized something profound — AI wasn’t replacing my voice; it was helping me reclaim it.
For someone like me — who had spent years honing my ability to write and communicate but had lost the fluidity due to life’s heavy burdens — AI became a bridge. It has helped me process my thoughts, structure my ideas, and refine my words. It allows me to convey my messages in a way that feels authentic but polished, as I once did before trauma rewired my brain.
We live in an age where technology is rapidly evolving. Dismissing AI outright is like rejecting the printing press, typewriters, or computers in their time. AI, when used ethically, isn’t a way to cheat — it’s a way to enhance.
The Pre-Internet Days: Researching Before Google Existed
I remember life before the internet. Ah, those were the days. I actually miss life before the World Wide Web.
Much has changed since its humble beginnings in 1995, but back then, researching for a school paper wasn’t as simple as typing a question into Google.
One time, during a writing assignment, I was on my stepfather’s bulky computer, learning how to type up an essay when I decided to explore this mysterious thing called a “Search Bar.”
Curious, I entered a keyword or sentence, hit “Search” or “Enter” — and…
NOTHING came up.
Not a single result. No instant answers. No links to click. Just an empty, useless screen staring back at me. (Cue the disappointment, haha!)
So, back to the collection of Encyclopedia Britannica books I went that my mother bought me and my sisters along with the dictionary — flipping through pages and pages, trying to gather enough information to formulate a long enough research paper.
Thinking back, I laugh at my younger self, struggling to make a few pages worth of content out of the limited resources I had. But those were good times.
There was something special about those pre-internet days — when research required patience, curiosity, and flipping through actual books instead of relying on a search engine or the World Wide Web.
Trauma Creates Different Versions of You
Jackie Dorman often says, “Trauma creates different versions of you.” And she’s right. I’m not the same person I was before I left the military. Before the losses. Before the heartbreak.
A psychological break can strip you of the things that once felt effortless.For some, it’s confidence. For others, it’s creativity. For me, it was all that and my ability to put words on paper the way I used to.
But here’s the truth: Even though trauma reshapes us, it does not have to define us.
I can never fully go back to the writer I was before. But what I can do is use the tools, wisdom, and resources available to me now to become even better.
That’s why I no longer feel guilty about using AI. It’s not taking away my creativity — it’s amplifying my ability to express myself. It’s helping me take the fragmented pieces of my mind and shape them into something meaningful.
For those who criticize AI, I ask: What about those of us who have lost our ability to communicate clearly due to trauma, neurological changes, physical limitations, mental challenges, or life’s heavy burdens? Should we be left behind because we’re not what we used to be?
The answer is no.
AI is not the enemy. Misuse of AI is. There’s a difference between using AI to spam low-quality content for profit and using it to rebuild your ability to create, communicate, and inspire.
Journaling: The Lifelong Thread of My Writing Journey
It wasn’t just books and spelling that shaped my love for words — I have been journaling since childhood.
Writing in a notebook was my way of processing the world. As a kid, I scribbled my thoughts, feelings, and dreams into pages, not realizing I was laying the foundation for a lifelong habit.
There was something powerful about putting pen to paper. Journaling wasn’t just a hobby — it was an outlet, a form of self-expression, and sometimes, my only safe space in a dysfunctional family where I pretended to be okay and I wasn’t.
As I grew older, my writing evolved, but journaling remained constant.
- During my military years, journaling helped me process my experiences, the structure of both my Navy and Air Force life, and the emotions that came with it.
- During my career shifts and life transitions, my journals were where I poured out my frustrations, uncertainties, and hopes for the future.
- Even now, I bounce between the two mediums — traditional journaling and digital writing. While I type more than I write by hand these days, I still keep journals, pens, and notebooks close because there are moments when only handwritten words will do.
Journaling has been the one constant through every phase of my life.
Even when my structured writing skills faded after leaving the Air Force, journaling was still there, waiting for me, like an old friend.
Reclaiming My Writing Identity
Looking back, it makes sense why losing my ability to write freely after my psychological break in 2019 felt like losing a part of myself.
I had spent my whole life reading, spelling, journaling, writing professionally, and immersing myself in structured communication. Words were how I navigated the world — so when that ability became fractured, I felt lost.
Now, I realize that AI isn’t replacing my ability to write — it’s helping me reclaim it. Just like journaling has always helped me process my emotions, AI is now helping me process my thoughts, refine my ideas, and rebuild my confidence in writing.
At my core, I have always been a writer — from childhood journals to Air Force memos, from Spelling Bees to professional correspondence. That part of me was never truly lost — it just needed time to resurface in a new way.
Where I Go From Here
I don’t know where the future of AI-generated content is headed. Medium, along with many other platforms, is cracking down on AI misuse. And while I understand the concerns, I hope they also recognize that not all AI users are trying to cheat the system.
Some of us are simply trying to find our way back to ourselves.
And if AI is a tool that helps me do that, then I’ll keep using it — ethically, intentionally, and with a heart that is still fully mine.
For years, I was stuck in survival mode — moving, adjusting, rebuilding. It took stepping back, reflecting, and using new tools like AI to realize I wasn’t lost, just evolving. Sometimes, reclaiming yourself starts with taking a pause, doing some self-reflection, and embracing change — something that most of us as creatures of comfort find hard doing.
Further Reading & Resources
If you’re navigating trauma, major life transitions, or simply trying to reclaim your creativity and voice, here are some powerful resources that have helped me along the way:
Books & Self-Development
📖 Heartwork by Jackie Dorman — A transformative book that helps break unhealthy cycles, heal past wounds, and open your heart to the life and love you truly deserve.
📖 The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron — A timeless guide on unlocking your creativity, overcoming self-doubt, and reconnecting with the writer and creator inside of you.
📖 Atomic Habits by James Clear — A practical book on how small, intentional changes can help you rebuild structure, focus, and discipline in your daily life.
📖 The Tongue & Quill (Air Force Writing Guide) — The guide that shaped my writing skills in the military. If you’re looking for structure and professionalism in communication, this is a great reference.
Healing & Mental Wellness
🧠 The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk — A deep dive into how trauma affects the brain and body, and how to heal through various methods, including writing.
AI & Ethical Writing
💻 The Ethical Use of AI in Writing — A growing conversation about how AI is shaping the future of creativity. AI is not the enemy — misuse is.
💻 Grammarly & AI Writing Assistants — Tools that help refine your writing without replacing your voice. AI can be a supportive guide rather than a crutch.
💻 OpenAI’s Approach to Ethical AI — Insights into how AI is evolving responsibly and how we, as users, can engage with it in a way that enhances our skills rather than diminishes them.
Comments
Post a Comment